With a rum soaked crook and a big fat laugh

Our glorious leaders have come up with a plan to prevent us all become fat and unwell. You see, they care about us, that’s why booze and fags are class A drugs…. Oh wait… they aren’t are they? That’s weird…. But they said…. Ohhhh!

So our free market champions, the tory party, have hatched a plan to make food manufacturers and fast food chains reduce the calories in their food, that way we will all eat less. Now I’m no expert on human nature, but when I eat something and find myself still hungry, I eat some more. Let’s look at a real life example of my off the wall theory.

Pre tory meddling.

Can I have a big bobby big burger please?

Mmmm that was tasty, and at 1000 calories I’m fucking full.

Post tory meddling.

Please can I have the new big bobby big burger?

Hmmm, at 600 calories I’m still hungry, better get another.

Now, again, I’m no mathematician, but two times six hundred is more that one times a thousand.

Here’s a radical solution to our obesity epidemic, and the concomitant drain on society. You’ll have to stay with me on this, it’s left field as our Yank cousins are fond of saying.

I have a four point plan.

1. Start eating, and feeding your kids, proper food, made from proper ingredients.

2. Get some exercise, and make your kids play out. If they aren’t out of breath and filthy when they come back, throw them out again.

3. Consider not voting for a political party that starves schools of funding for everything that helps your child be a happy healthy person

4. Say “no” to your kids… they’re your fucking kids, not your friends. They don’t have to like you. Stop asking and start telling, follow through on your threats, stop being fucking lazy.

Robert, as they say, will be your father’s brother.

You may have noticed there’s no info on sweets, sugar, soft drinks, snacks, or anything else kids love. That’s because it doesn’t fucking matter. If you follow the four point plan you can have whatever the fuck you want, in moderation. Stop worrying about weight and shape and sizes, and diets…. That shit will kill you. The stress involved in dieting is worse for you than carrying a little extra weight.

Oh, and stay off the Aspartame, it’ll kill you.

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