I’ve been looking for a ladder

Over five years ago, actually on my birthday in 2013, Dave (I fucked a dead pigs face) Cameron, promised a referendum on our membership of the EU. This was a blatant ploy to cosy up to the Tory Eurosceptics, and steal back tory turncoat voters, who were looking at Nigel Farage like he was a modern day Enoch Powell. You have to say, it worked, he won his election, he finished Ukip with the same gusto he showed when he put his flaccid penis in the decapitated head of a pig, during his initiation into the Piers Gaveston society.

But then, with the growing list of lies and scaremongering, his plan started to crumble. emboldened by the far right’s propaganda campaign, and the willingness of the BBC to disproportionately push the leave agenda, the promotion of Farage to some kind of fucked up “leave” expert, and facebook lobby groups, Gove, Johnson, Mogg et al, found themselves in a winning position. After “leave” won, pretty much two years ago, Dave finally saw the extent of his clusterfuck, and resigned.

The Tories needed a patsy, someone not too bright and with absolutely no fucking morals whatsoever. Up stepped Mrs May, a vicar’s daughter with a degree in geography and a history of anti gay campaigning. A deeply racist home secretary under Cameron, she had showed her hatred of the poor, and her utter fucking contempt of minority groups… but she still wasn’t one of “them”, not a public school girl, went to a minor Oxford college, she can stand-in during the shit storm, and can be thrown to the Wolves after it’s all done. Ask yourself this… “If anyone else had presided over the recent fuck ups of illegal campaign funding, losing all the evidence of the Westminster paedophile ring, Grenfel, Windrush, funding cuts directly leading to deaths, DUP bungs, dodgy arms deals, etc etc… would they still be in a job?” The answer is a resounding No! She’s being protected and unchallenged from within until this job is done.

Thankfully, the mostly unreported fact, that the Lords have scuppered her “no deal” plan, has at least given us a hope of not ending up a complete fucking wasteland, unable to feed ourselves, no health care or education for all but the wealthy, and every single public service sold off. Although, all that is still on the cards, even with a deal.

Trumps visit in a few weeks will seal the fate of the NHS, with Yank insurance companies telling you whether you can live or die…. Spreadsheet says “no”. The terms and conditions you accepted in our joining email clearly state that you cannot smoke/not at your ideal weight/drink too much/genetic profile suggests your death at 60, you’re 57, so to protect our investment we are now withholding care… Thank you for your call… is there anything else I can help you with today? Y’all have a nice day!

We are now 329 days from our exit, and with an avalanche of exits on the cards if we get anything resembling a “deal”, do you really think Junker and Barnier are going to give us anything? We’re getting less than fuck all, we’re getting punished for being fucking morons. The Daily Mail actually complained last week, that after Brexit we’re going to have to pay for a visa to travel to the other 27 countries. There seems to be a collective denial of the true horror of our situation. A successful exit for us will mean the end of the union, and there’s too much at stake for that.

So, when the foreign investor’s shareholders see that it cost too much to do anything here, when import and export costs rise and rise, forcing businesses to the wall, prices to increase while wages stagnate, public services decimated, crime to rise, the death of the NHS… do you think any of the millionaire cabinet ministers, who are currently in charge of our exit, will give much of a fuck? I’m pretty sure they’ll retire to the Caribbean, after all…. It’s where all their money is.

What will be left for us? Food rotting in the fields, unpicked. Rubbish piling up in the streets, uncollected. Crimes ignored by a decimated police force. Children, uneducated by a decimated school system. You better learn how to cook rat, and if you have a garden, you had better start growing some veg. I’ve eaten pigeon, it’s pretty good, and if you catch them outside greggs they might even taste like a steak bake. Insects are a real option, and we could always make protein bars out of the dead. It’s like a pension system, you eat the protein bars, and then when you are euthanised by the state when you’re no longer productive, you get made into bars and eaten.

Soylent green was a prescient documentary.

I for one welcome Greggs as our new overlords.

Greggs is people.

With a rum soaked crook and a big fat laugh

Our glorious leaders have come up with a plan to prevent us all become fat and unwell. You see, they care about us, that’s why booze and fags are class A drugs…. Oh wait… they aren’t are they? That’s weird…. But they said…. Ohhhh!

So our free market champions, the tory party, have hatched a plan to make food manufacturers and fast food chains reduce the calories in their food, that way we will all eat less. Now I’m no expert on human nature, but when I eat something and find myself still hungry, I eat some more. Let’s look at a real life example of my off the wall theory.

Pre tory meddling.

Can I have a big bobby big burger please?

Mmmm that was tasty, and at 1000 calories I’m fucking full.

Post tory meddling.

Please can I have the new big bobby big burger?

Hmmm, at 600 calories I’m still hungry, better get another.

Now, again, I’m no mathematician, but two times six hundred is more that one times a thousand.

Here’s a radical solution to our obesity epidemic, and the concomitant drain on society. You’ll have to stay with me on this, it’s left field as our Yank cousins are fond of saying.

I have a four point plan.

1. Start eating, and feeding your kids, proper food, made from proper ingredients.

2. Get some exercise, and make your kids play out. If they aren’t out of breath and filthy when they come back, throw them out again.

3. Consider not voting for a political party that starves schools of funding for everything that helps your child be a happy healthy person

4. Say “no” to your kids… they’re your fucking kids, not your friends. They don’t have to like you. Stop asking and start telling, follow through on your threats, stop being fucking lazy.

Robert, as they say, will be your father’s brother.

You may have noticed there’s no info on sweets, sugar, soft drinks, snacks, or anything else kids love. That’s because it doesn’t fucking matter. If you follow the four point plan you can have whatever the fuck you want, in moderation. Stop worrying about weight and shape and sizes, and diets…. That shit will kill you. The stress involved in dieting is worse for you than carrying a little extra weight.

Oh, and stay off the Aspartame, it’ll kill you.

This has been a public information post.

Why do I give valuable time

So, the new Tory vice chairman for youth in the second eugenics gaff in a week. It was a few years ago when he wrote that benefits claimants should have vasectomies. He’s sorry for writing it, not sorry for holding those beliefs. He’s not sorry that it’s his party that is responsible for vast swathes of lay offs from public sector cuts, not to mention the decimation of the coal and steel industries in the 80s.

Apart from the fact that removing the rights of poor people is abhorrent, his plan is ill thought out. If you plan to stop poor people from breeding, vasectomies really isn’t the way to go. What would stop an unemployed woman getting pregnant by someone with a job? What happens when the sterilised bloke gets a job? An NHS funded reversal?

As usual, Tories can’t even do Nazi properly, they fuck everything up.

If you’re going to ensure the feckless hoard don’t procreate, first you have to put them in ghettos, keep them all together so you can lace their water supply with contraceptives, make sure they don’t have access to any cash, feed them from government shops, put their existing offspring in special schools so the parents can be put to work for the food stamps you give them. Cut the electric off at 10pm, they’ll need the sleep so they can clean up dog shit, do the gardens of the old people who fought in wars so they could sit on their arses and watch Jeremy Kyle, clean graffiti, or work on the government farms that grow food for ex service people, or run errands for people with jobs.

You would respect the tories more if they just said “I’m not sorry, I hate poor people and want to control them”

Carry on.

I smelt the last ten seconds of life

It doesn’t matter who or what is responsible, you can blame the Russians, you can cite anti globalisation, or just a kind of world wide entropy…. But everything seems to be fracturing. Europe looks set to break up, the US is divided, large organisations are crumbling. The latest shit storm with Carillion shows a trend away from a conglomerate structure. Carillion blacklisted trade unionists, ran up a £600m pension deficit, gave money to the tories in return for billions in contracts, all the while the company was in free fall. Now they’re asking for private debt to be offloaded onto us, just like the banks did. How many years of austerity to ensure Carillion execs don’t become poor? A Tory party who find it acceptable that people die because of cancelled operations, sick and dying treated in corridors, social care put against the wall, bed blocking, post code lotteries for certain drugs and cancer treatment…. All acceptable under austerity, no money in the budget for the NHS, after promising £350m a week. But Carillion will get bailed out otherwise twenty thousand people will be on the dole. Does anyone really think a bail out will protect ordinary workers? There will be mass lay-offs, people will retire with nothing in their pension, and the company will be broken up, Tory ministers will get non exec roles, and the media will promote austerity and blame previous labour governments.

Don’t look at that, what about this shiny thing? Look we banned credit card charges (it was the EU) oh look, a royal wedding… we got rid of the homeless soldiers so it looks nice. Don’t have a go at us, let’s get John Humphries, he hates women.. boooo (he’s 74 and fucking well entitled to an opinion, even if it isn’t popular) let’s all laugh at Trump, he’s orange and stupid. Look at the UKIP leader’s partner she’s racist… (well there’s a fucking surprise).

Move along, nothing to see here.

You may say I’m a dreamer…

Right, you may have to give your third eye a polish for this one. A slightly higher level of consciousness may help you to see this as evolution and not condemnation.

I look forward to a future where belief in a god is treated as a mental illness, similar to thinking you’re Napoleon, or wearing a foil hat because you think “they’re” coming to get you. It’s a delusion just the same as any fairy story, no basis in fact, no empirical evidence, not a single tangible, corroborated sighting of the grey haired old man in the sky. There is equal evidence for the existence of Santa and the Loch Ness Monster.

Religion is preventing us from evolving, it stifles free thinking, it abhors science as its nemesis, promotes hate by condoning conflict on its behalf, condemns people to death from disease by forbidding contraception, which in turn promotes famine by expanding populations. All the while, sitting on huge reserves of cash and priceless relics, which could be used to help the poor.

As a species we use supernatural excuses to justify our deeds, murder, rape, theft… pretty much every one of the commandments that Moses was alleged to have received from God. We use the same crutch to exonerate us of all manner of inhuman and immoral acts against our own kind, all we have to do is ask forgiveness…. How very convenient.

We use false promises of everlasting joy after we die to drive the gullible to carry out our hatred on others, and to keep everyone else in line, with the promise of a fiery pit of torture and agony if we stray from the path.

If those religious leaders actually believed their own stories they would be queueing up to end their own lives in order to go to this paradise.

There is no such place, it’s a Stone Age story used to explain what we didn’t understand. It should be consigned to history along with flint arrows and stone circles. Rid ourselves of the yoke of organised hate, realise we are all the same species, there is no race, there are no borders, no flags, and no heaven. Only us, and a future where not one single person is better or worse than any other.

In the words of the great Bill Hicks… “then, we can then explore space, both inner and outer, in peace, forever”.

Happy New Year!

What induces us to stay here?

A month off. Well, a month off blogging. I dislike Christmas at home, we’re usually somewhere hot and sunny. It’s our reward to ourselves for working hard all year and having to put up with the whole fucking thing starting in September. I feel cheated.

No resolutions or “new me” bollocks. Let’s just see what happens.

First order of business is to get some work, get some cash and have that holiday. I also have some stuff to write about, mostly stuff that has pissed me off, or made me go “hmmm”.

I also need to give up Facebook, it really does piss me off.

Four thousand holes in Blackburn, Lancashire

There’s some very weird news this week.

Prince Harry has proposed to an American divorcee, his family seem happy enough, the tax payer less so. Less than an hour after the announcement the tories slid out some bad news, which was lost in the tide of royalist theorising, who what where and when took up over fifty percent of the evening news. It’s as if we were being distracted.

Trump shares unverified videos of violence, re-tweeting a despicable far right group that purports to be pro British. They have a track record of fake news, which makes the orange cretin’s promotion of them even worse. Boris then weighed in with the usual scripted condemnation, except he accused Trump of doing exactly what Boris himself has built his career on. Ill thought out racist shite, spewed in an attempt to win support. The ageing tangerine gibbon is still visiting though, apparently. Being a racist fuck isn’t bad enough to stop a state visit… I suppose when you’ve been on a trip to the Middle East to sell some weapons to a murderous regime, so they can kill women and children in another Middle East country, it would be difficult to take the moral high ground.

The vice chancellor of Bath uni is on a fuck ton of cash. And? You can’t crow about glass ceilings and equal pay, and then whine like a fucking three-year-old when you find out a woman is on more money than you. Come on! Her qualifications would suggest she’s worked fucking hard to get to where she is… and the expectation she would turn down a contract because it was too much money is just fucking bizarre. We should be cheering. Blaming her for higher tuition fees is fuckwittery of the highest order. Vote labour if you want to abolish fees, and that vote will also, ironically, help more women earn more.

Emily Thornberry and Damian Green stood in for their respective leaders in PMQs. It was a vision of a future PM skilfully dealing with an alleged porn fiend. He was no match for her wit or insight. Both our women PMs have been tories, one was an evil fucking bitch, the second is about as much use as a “good guy” with a gun. Let’s face it, she’s only still in office because no one else wants to be blamed for the imminent cluster fuck that is Brexit. I would very much like to see Jez win the next election, then wen he retires, a woman Labour PM would be very nice. I’m pretty sure that fat old satsuma in the White House wouldn’t get away with his hate-filled, racist, misogyny.

Stirring my brandy with a nail

Get ready for tax dodging millionaires to bully you into giving money for children… children the government should be looking after. In twenty first century Britain we have kids going hungry, but the government, instead of carrying out their duty, cut funding to public services even more.

The whole fucking charade is televised by a corporation that turned a blind eye to rampant paedophillia for decades.

Lastly through a hogshead of real fire

Television has an innate ability to wind me up, with the exception of less than a handful of programs, most of it boils my piss. But… Blue Planet 2 makes it all worthwhile. It’s outstanding, it’s entertaining, educational, stunningly beautiful, and expertly narrated. Sir David Attenborough has probably taught me more than any other person, and he still manages to enthral after all these years. A TV program that I look forward to… who’d have thunk it?

George Lucas has sold my childhood, they’re selling fucking razors…. like a Jedi has to shave, they just decide not to grow a beard until they become a hermit…. soulless, greedy fucking mouse… ruiners of everything, sucking Satan’s cock for just another dollar…

I’m done, if you think I’m paying to see your shit movie you can think again, I’m going to steal a shit cam version, then I’m going to steal a slightly better one, and keep stealing it till I get the 4k, editor’s cut, 20th anniversary edition…. you fucks!

The media are all teary-eyed about Italy not qualifying for the WC. They’ve bored everyone into submission for years, they weren’t good enough to qualify so they won’t be a “big miss” to the tournament. You’ll forgive me if I don’t have any sympathy for multi millionaires crying on telly.