Pale blue dot

Are you boycotting the Olympics? You are? You complete twat. Take a look around your house, how much stuff have you got that was made in China? Of the stuff that wasn’t, how much of it was made from Chinese raw materials? A fuck load that’s how much. I can’t fucking abide bandwagon jumping; try picking a cause that isn’t popular. What about marching for the rights of paedophiles? Or against the mistreatment of crazed Muslim suicide bombers? Write to your MP and complain that there just aren’t enough Burberry-wearing single mothers to consume all the putrid shite that Greggs makes on a daily basis, something must be done.

Please don’t say “but Simon, what about the human rights?” It hasn’t bothered anyone before; I have never heard anyone wandering about in Primark or Matalan complaining that the prices are too low, and that manufacturers should pay their sweatshop kiddies more money to combat the unbearable nature of their lives. No, you buy your £5 suit and think no more about it. You see, underneath all the false concern we secretly don’t give a flying monkey’s cock whether someone 12,000 miles away is hungry, because as long as someone else is hungry, we aren’t. Economics is shit, but it’s the truth.

Evolutionarily speaking we are a social animal, but we aren’t that social. Beyond our family groups we actively try to kill and maim anyone who may affect our chances of survival. So, asking us to be vaguely fucking bothered is a waste of time. It’s fashionable to care, but deep down inside we don’t, so watch the Olympics and marvel at the spectacle, if you can see it through the smog.

If it’s illegal to talk on a mobile phone whilst driving, why are we still allowed to smoke behind the wheel? Why are billboards allowed on the road side? What about having sweets in the car? Or passengers for that matter? Kids, obviously need to be banned forthwith. There are a thousand and one distractions when you’re behind the wheel, that’s why it’s hard. We carry out thousands of risk assessments in our head every time we drive away from home. I know phones and driving have caused accidents, but so have a lot of other things, are we to ban everything? We are in danger of making living too easy. There needs to be some risk because if there isn’t we will get too complacent, and that’s worse. The future would be bleak, wrapped in cotton wool cocoons, plugged into the net, and hooked up to the McFood outlet, we wouldn’t have to leave the house.

Welcome to the matrix.

Celebrity chefs. What a pointless bunch of cunts. A few years ago I had a twats league table, but I abandoned it after it became apparent that the celebrity chefs were unreachable at the top. By far the worst is Delia, how the fuck she manages to stay on TV is anyone’s guess, she must have something on someone. I was channel hoping the other day and happened across a program with Sofie Grigson, the last time I saw her she was relatively svelte but now she’s the size of a small county. If you couple this huge weight increase with the fact that Ainsley Harriot hasn’t been seen in a while….. well I’ll let you put the pieces together. I only hope she didn’t burn the sauce.

Salford university has bestowed an honorary degree on Ryan Giggs. The 34 year old ex man City schoolboy was awarded an MA for running about on Saturday afternoons. I bet all the poor fuckers that flogged their bollocks off for the last three years, running up obscene debts, don’t begrudge the Welshman his well earned reward, it’s not as if he gets paid loads for playing footy.

In other news Swindon council is considering banning speed cameras, they say there are better ways of making the roads safer. This decision is in no way linked to the re-routing of fines from local to central government.

If you believe everything you see on teevee we all deserve everything these days. The amount of adverts that tell you as much is staggering. In the latest one Jean Luc Picard tells us we all “deserve” a big cheap teevee, presumably in order to find out all the other stuff we deserve to have in our homes. The country’s retailers must be shitting themselves over the credit crunch and impending recession, so much so that they have resorted to new levels of insidious evil to get us to part with cash we can ill afford to. We know that the marketing people would sell their grandmother’s arse to a band of travelling minstrels if they thought they could sell something, but this is a new low. We have a society that doesn’t understand the old ethic of working to get something, instant gratification is the new way, and even those that can’t afford something will go into debt for it, or just nick it from someone else.

When it comes to marketing I’m with Hicks.